Recently the talented Lea Thau revisited the “Love Hurts” conversation with a follow-up on her two-year relationship. The “m” word (marriage) came up and a huge argument ensued between Lea and her beau.
(Apologies in advance… there’s some pretty colorful language in the recording!)
My heart breaks for Lea as she almost lets her guy talk her into thinking she’s being ridiculous. Really, though, it’s not wrong for a woman to want to get married. It’s not un-feminist and it’s not “old fashioned.” The desire for marriage is pretty much just an innate desire in a lot of people (not just women, I know!).
As Lea pointed out there’s a sense of being “chosen” that is pretty special. Because it is special. Someone wants to spend his life with you and you with him. And you both take the time to tell the world about this commitment through a wedding ceremony. That’s pretty cool.
With marriage there’s also a sense of security that may seem silly but it’s true. That commitment offers a sense of security in the relationship. Who doesn’t like security, right? It’s not the piece of paper or the presence of your great aunt who flew all the way from Toronto that makes all the difference. The difference is that feeling of emotional security knowing you were esteemed enough for this level of commitment. While it doesn’t seem as big to a lot of men, it’s a big deal for us ladies. It’s a lovely, big deal. And it should be!
What would I have done in Lea’s place? Marriage is extremely important to me. I don’t believe in dating someone who isn’t on the same page as to our trajectory. Any man who told me “we might get married someday” and “I don’t see the big deal about marriage” wouldn’t be the right match for me. No matter how long we’d been together it would be time to part ways.
When you add the faith aspect to these things we know God intended marriage as a picture of His love for us. He designed us to desire a union with a suitable mate to share life and faith. It’s not wrong to want that (even as a 30-ish singleton).
To be loved, to be desired, to be chosen by one special person… marriage is the desire of many a heart but we deny it. Thoughts like that seem ridiculous. We don’t dare hope for fear of those hopes being dashed. We think it doesn’t matter that much because we squelch those thoughts as often as we can. Or we’re in a relationship with someone who tries to convince us things are fine as they are and marriage won’t “change anything”…
As Lea and her beau have illustrated, when you’re with someone who doesn’t want to be married it can cause a lot of tension. You have the right to let your needs and desires be known but when your partner-for whatever reason-is unwilling or unable to deliver what you need, you are at an impasse. Basically, the partner who doesn’t want to be married holds all the decision making power and that’s not fair. You argue about the topic and probably more often than you’d like. You may be begin to resent each other.
This is why you two need to be on the same page from the beginning. It is so important not to get involved with someone who doesn’t want to be married. Believe me, he can find someone who wants the same thing he does and so can you. You aren’t ever going to be stuck against your will in a situation where you have no other option. There are many more wonderful, single people in the world who share your views.
Bottom line: It’s OK to want to be married-it’s good to want to be married-if it is the desire quietly (or maybe loudly!) singing in your heart. And don’t settle for anything or anyone less. You’ll be glad when you wait for the right time with the right person.