I want a pre-nup

If I ever get married I want a pre-nup. Let’s forget about finances for a minute. I think that prenuptial agreements should get down to the nitty-gritty of what’s really important in a marriage:

Part one: The husband must dispose of all vermin within the walls of the shared home or any temporary dwelling including but not limited to hotel rooms. This is to be completed without taunting or feigned annoyance.

Part two: Each spouse will agree to avoid comparing each other to their respective parents except in a positive light.

Part three: The wife shall at the very minimal effort pretend to like the mother-in-law. Ranting to girlfriends is allowed but must not be made public knowledge under any circumstances. Should problems escalate beyond attempts to “help” or veiled jabs about the wife’s cooking skills (or lack thereof), the husband must intervene on the wife’s behalf.

Part four: The wife shall not require monopoly of the remote during a sporting event which the husband deems to be important. A DVR shall be purchased for any television of interest which she may miss in the interim. The husband shall assist in programming aforementioned DVR as necessary.

Part five: In the event of procreation, no child shall be named after inanimate objects, pop culture references that no one will get in ten years or anything the child would not be able to spell his or herself while in Kindergarten. Famous names (i.e. Tommy Lee Jones) or plays on words (Crystal Ball) must also be avoided.

Part six: Date nights (at least once per seven-day period) shall be strictly adhered to.

Part seven: Neither spouse shall maintain a close relationship with former lovers.

Part eight: If the couple is unable to agree upon film or music choices, they shall take turns choosing date night films or radio stations.

Part nine: The husband must not ask how much a pair of shoes cost.

Part ten: Should either spouse have an aversion to the other’s friends, that spouse should not be forced to spend time with the offending friends except during special occasions (weddings, birthdays, etc.).

What would you want in your pre-nuptial agreement?


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