For the gals: How to appear less desperate

This is a fairly universal girl problem. A lot of us just grow up wanting to be loved by someone special but tend to come on a little too strongly with the first few guys we date. Most of us grow up but there are a few gals who don’t quite figure that out. That’s why I want to help.

First: Be happy with what you have and where you are. If you’re one of those gals who has convinced herself everything will be better once you’re in a relationship, you’re wrong. Actually, relationships tend to complicate things more than you would ever imagine. The best thing you can do to help yourself get ready for a relationship and to appear more attractive (also, less desperate) is to be content. Find the things you like about your life (or extricate yourself from the bad stuff) and concentrate on it.

Second: Don’t always be the one to call/text/e-mail first. If he’s interested, you won’t have to. You know that wacky-insecure feeling that makes you want to demand he talk to you? That’s a warning sign it’s time to end it. Believe me: guys who are truly interested won’t leave you wondering. In fact, they’ll remember to call you on the morning of your big interview and will show up at your apartment with chicken soup when you’re feeling crummy. No chasing or hinting required.

Third: Don’t talk about marriage and children right off the bat. Treat dates like an audition period to see if he’s worthy of a longer term commitment. Not every guy will be worthy of sharing your dreams. If he passes the initial test, you can start talking about your life goals but that should be with more than a handful of dates to decide.

Fourth: No fishing for compliments! Even the veiled teasing like “You love me because I’m beautiful, don’t you?” is off-limits. That’s akin to having a huge neon sign reading “insecure” over your head. It gets old really quickly, too.

Fifth: Don’t sleep with him because you think it’s the only way to keep his interest. (And certainly not on the first date!) Get to know each other without the s-word making a lustful mess of everything. Once you start thinking below the belt, things get hazy and you make some poor decisions. Delaying that physical side of a relationship also tells you if he’s a one night stand kind of guy or one who is interested in a real relationship.

Last: Have your own opinion. It’s totally OK not to agree with everything he likes. Don’t be deliberately contrary just to control the situation but you definitely don’t have to pretend to be his clone in every way, either. Be yourself! I had a friend who suddenly hated chocolate when she starting dating some dude who claimed to dislike the stuff (he was out of his mind, obviously). Guess what happened when they broke up? She came over to my house for chocolate fondue night and indulged to hear heart’s content after six months of pretending.

Above all, ladies, remember that there are a lot of guys out there. Odds are in favor of dating quite a few before you find someone worth the rest of your life. I admit that it can be hard to deal with a few breakups or the guy who never calls for a second date but those things should never be cause to become the “desperate girl.” You’re better than that!

Jenn

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