I hated turning the big 3-0 because by then my body had decided to betray me and I was already feeling several decades older. The number 30 was not helping me feel any younger.
Little things had begun to go wrong over the previous few years (occasional dizziness and muscle weakness). But suddenly it all culminated into one huge incident and coinciding trip to the ER. I had never had a single trip to the emergency room so this was a pretty drastic move for me.
Several years and countless doctors later I finally had a diagnosis: Hello, orthostatic intolerance and hypothyroidism (with your accompanying long list of strange symptoms) my name is Jenn. Apparently, they had already known my name for a few years by now but had failed to properly introduce themselves.
It was a relief and a sentence at the same time. I finally knew what was really wrong (and why it had gone so wrong) but at the same time dealing with it was not going to be a picnic.
My previously active life had already become quite the opposite. Exercise was a challenge and stress debilitating. I also hated seeing friends who (in their sweet, concerned way) would ask how I was because I felt like I was lying half the time. Often I would sugarcoat how things were going because I couldn’t stand their pity. (And I just hated talking about it.)
As you can imagine being a singleton with a chronic condition tends to suck. For one thing I hate having to ask for help and now that is a constant theme. On bad days I need all the help I can get to get to appointments or run errands. It feels like a digression back to my pre-driver’s license teens. Fortunately, being in the Internet age has helped regain some independence: You can pretty much have anything delivered these days.
And then there’s dating. I was advised not to divulge the extent of my condition until a date and I had gotten to know each other better. Unfortunately, a lot of the time it’s pretty obvious something is going on when I have to grab onto something while standing or cancel at the last minute because I feel ill. The two guys I did (attempt to) date eventually picked up on these odd things and disappeared.In some ways this was tough but I still harbored the sense that I had deceived these men in a way by not being totally honest.
I definitely want a husband and children but I still struggle with asking anyone to sign up for this mess. A husband who would probably get stuck doing all the household errands. Or children forced to deal with a dizzy mom who often sits out on fun outings and cancel others due to symptoms. It just doesn’t seem fair.
And that, my friends, is the real reason why I am single.